we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
