Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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