That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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