Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
