she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
