On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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