Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
