I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize