I have demons in me.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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