fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize