I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
