I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
