Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
