I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
