Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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