And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Someone shit on the floor
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
