wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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