My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize