I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
