So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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