I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
