Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
