Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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