I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
