My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
