His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
