What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
it hurts more in the daytime
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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