He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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