literally had 100 drinks last night.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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