also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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