Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Best friends brother. Beat that.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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