Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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