dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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