someone threw a dead crab at me
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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