you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
