I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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