mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
