I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you traded sex for a burrito?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
