So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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