i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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