i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
