Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
