you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
