1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
