from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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