highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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