there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
