it was like his penis was on wheels.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
