there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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