I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
