drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
