she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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