it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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