The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Randomize
