I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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