I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
no you cant smoke seaweed
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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