Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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