my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
